Monday, March 21, 2011

getting real - weight issues

I believe I've been overweight my entire life, but I was very comfortable in my own skin in high school. I honestly don't recall being bullied or anything, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Apparently prior to my blackouts my favorite breakfast food was sausage rolls and now I can't stand them, so there is no telling what I don't remember. However, I do recall being "ok" with were I was in high school. When I went off to college I gained some weight. It was a combination of getting depressed, not making healthy food choices, and sitting in my dorm room when I wasn't in class. My second year of college, I ate green beans out of the can instead of going to the cafeteria for dinner, but I think I also made many trips to the donut shop for breakfast, so I'm not sure what happened with my weight that year. During my third year away at school I took some medication for my endometriosis, and the doctor warned me I would gain weight, my bones would become brittle, but I thought it was worth the risk. Gain weight I mostly certainly did. The medication (at the time) was only FDA approved to be taken 6 months of your life, and I took it for 6 months. During that time, I gained over 40 pounds. A month after being taken off of the medication, I fell down a flight of stairs, and broke my leg, foot, and ankle (guess my bones did become rather brittle). I ended up having surgery, and being stuck in bed or in a chair for 3 months, and just gained more weight. In a matter of a few years (since leaving high school), I had gained about 75 pounds. UNREAL. But, sadly, it didn't stop there. After my mom got sick with cancer, I moved home, and Russell and I got engaged. I bought a wedding dress that was too small, and was determined to fit into it by the wedding. By the next summer (the time of our wedding), the dress was a little too big. I was so glad I made some progress, in the right direction. To be honest, I'm not sure what I did to make that happen. I was sick during that spring, couldn't keep food down, maybe that's how I lost some weight? After getting married, I got comfortable, we enjoyed eating out, and we both gained weight. Since that time, I've been joined and cancelled at Weight Watchers and Curves. When I stick with them, I'm successful. Last January (2010) I was determined to lose weight and get healthy, and I was doing well. I had lost 20 pounds, and then I got sick again. This time they put me on steroids, and I gained 30 pounds, 10 more than I had lost. M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E. At the beginning of this year I rejoined both Curves and Weight Watchers, was ready to do well, and BAM!, more steroids, and I've gained MORE weight. Really? I've also been told I will not be able to lose weight unless I take this magic medication for my PCOS. When I take it, I do lose weight, but it makes me miserably ill.
So, here I am, weighing more than I ever have, and more frustrated than I've ever been. I black out when I try to work out. It doesn't matter if I eat, don't eat, eat half of what I've been eating, I still gain weight. I'm on steroids each time I have a blood infusion, and each time they give me the steroids, they give me more and more. I've planned out all my meals for this week, I'm staying on my points, and I'm hoping this works for this week. I need some progress in the right direction.
Slowly, but surely, someday I'll conquer this, I hope.

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