back on weight watchers - week 1

So, last Monday, the 21st, I weighed myself, entered it into weight watchers (very disappointed with myself at the gain since the beginning of the year), and decided I was done gaining. It doesn't matter how many medications and steroids doctors give me, I can make some changes, so I did. When I got back on the scale this past Monday (the 28th), I lost 8.8 pounds, in one week! I was simply amazed. I didn't make excellent choices all week, but I did make much better choices. I was worried though, because Friday night I went with some friends to Winstar and had Starbucks on the way, and ate at Toby Keith's Bar and Grill while we were there. I ordered without really thinking (it was 11:00 at night, I was hungry), and had a cheeseburger, with fries. Even with all of that (and I'm sure other unhealthy decisions), I still lost. I didn't even workout, not once. In fact, I got on the weight watchers message board the Monday I decided to start over, worried about not being able to work out due to the blackouts. I was encouraged by so many others that said they lost weight simply by sticking to their points, and then were able to workout once they were in better shape. I've worked out in the past, and I'm hoping I can again soon when my blood counts are higher. Today, I did a 10 minute kickboxing session, which is so incredibly short, but I stopped before I blacked out. Tomorrow, I plan to do atleast 10-15 minutes on the elliptical. I'm encouraged by the loss, and this week has been pretty good as well. I'm trying to stay off the scale until Monday morning, but I'm positive it will show a loss as well. I start back to work on Monday, against a few of my doctor's suggestions. They didn't tell me I couldn't go back to work, but they did tell me they were concerned about it. I had a 4 hour doctor's appointment on Monday, and they were testing my memory and comprehension. I did ok on the comprehension, but not too fabulous on the memory tests. With the memory tests not being too great, and me being unable to track conversations when over stimulated, the doctor is concerned with me returning. However, I really want to go back, finish out the year with my kids, and then move on to something different. Luckily, the sub my kids have had is going to stay with me, lesson plan, and help grade papers. I am so blessed to have her stay! She will be there incase something happens to me, if I need to go to the doctor, and so I don't get overwhelmed in general. This is such a blessing for me, and I know it will make going back so much easier. I know some people won't understand why I will have extra help in my room, but after the number of blackouts, falls, migraines, and concussions I've had, it's nice to have some help. Tonight, Russell and I started talking about possibly taking a cruise sometime in August or September. We haven't been anywhere since 2006, and it gives me something to work towards. :) He isn't 100% sold on the cruise idea, after the cruise that had the rescued recently, but I think I almost have him convinced. If he had his way, we would go to Ixtapa, Mexico, where he went with his family while he was in high school. Unfortunatley, those all inclusives are about twice the price of a cruise, so I think a cruise it is. We will see. I'm hoping we can get away soon. Of course, our best friends are moving to Italy, so we will (or I will) be making that trip within the next two years hopefully. So, that's all for now. I'm 8.8 pounds down, and hopefully by Monday I can add to that number. :)

getting real - weight issues

I believe I've been overweight my entire life, but I was very comfortable in my own skin in high school. I honestly don't recall being bullied or anything, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Apparently prior to my blackouts my favorite breakfast food was sausage rolls and now I can't stand them, so there is no telling what I don't remember. However, I do recall being "ok" with were I was in high school. When I went off to college I gained some weight. It was a combination of getting depressed, not making healthy food choices, and sitting in my dorm room when I wasn't in class. My second year of college, I ate green beans out of the can instead of going to the cafeteria for dinner, but I think I also made many trips to the donut shop for breakfast, so I'm not sure what happened with my weight that year. During my third year away at school I took some medication for my endometriosis, and the doctor warned me I would gain weight, my bones would become brittle, but I thought it was worth the risk. Gain weight I mostly certainly did. The medication (at the time) was only FDA approved to be taken 6 months of your life, and I took it for 6 months. During that time, I gained over 40 pounds. A month after being taken off of the medication, I fell down a flight of stairs, and broke my leg, foot, and ankle (guess my bones did become rather brittle). I ended up having surgery, and being stuck in bed or in a chair for 3 months, and just gained more weight. In a matter of a few years (since leaving high school), I had gained about 75 pounds. UNREAL. But, sadly, it didn't stop there. After my mom got sick with cancer, I moved home, and Russell and I got engaged. I bought a wedding dress that was too small, and was determined to fit into it by the wedding. By the next summer (the time of our wedding), the dress was a little too big. I was so glad I made some progress, in the right direction. To be honest, I'm not sure what I did to make that happen. I was sick during that spring, couldn't keep food down, maybe that's how I lost some weight? After getting married, I got comfortable, we enjoyed eating out, and we both gained weight. Since that time, I've been joined and cancelled at Weight Watchers and Curves. When I stick with them, I'm successful. Last January (2010) I was determined to lose weight and get healthy, and I was doing well. I had lost 20 pounds, and then I got sick again. This time they put me on steroids, and I gained 30 pounds, 10 more than I had lost. M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E. At the beginning of this year I rejoined both Curves and Weight Watchers, was ready to do well, and BAM!, more steroids, and I've gained MORE weight. Really? I've also been told I will not be able to lose weight unless I take this magic medication for my PCOS. When I take it, I do lose weight, but it makes me miserably ill.
So, here I am, weighing more than I ever have, and more frustrated than I've ever been. I black out when I try to work out. It doesn't matter if I eat, don't eat, eat half of what I've been eating, I still gain weight. I'm on steroids each time I have a blood infusion, and each time they give me the steroids, they give me more and more. I've planned out all my meals for this week, I'm staying on my points, and I'm hoping this works for this week. I need some progress in the right direction.
Slowly, but surely, someday I'll conquer this, I hope.

spring break vacation

I'll be spending spring break in a hospital in Dallas, fun times. My brother told me to enjoy my vacation, I'm sure I will. The plan is I'll be taken off all my meds and started on new ones, it will be an interesting week. I'm glad they are doing this while I'm admitted though, since it does involve being taken off seizure medication. The treatment I'm having says I should be headache free by the end of the week. Headache free? I'm not sure how that feels! :)
I look forward to feeling better, much better. This is not what I wanted for my life, if I'm being honest. I want to be the kind of wife that can cook and clean, not so dependent upon Russell. My deepest desire is to be a mom, which is getting more complicated. With each new issue uncovered by doctors, it's becoming clearer that we won't have our own children. Luckily, we have had the desire to adopt for a long time. Sadly, adoption is very expensive, and so are medical bills. The thought of not being able to adopt because of the cost, makes me really sad. We are just keeping faith that it will all work out. Our plan is to start the process of adoption when I turn 30, which is the summer of 2012. In the next year, we will be moving into our best friend's house (they are moving to Italy for two years), sell our condo, I'll be getting a new job, hopefully feeling better, and lose some weight (or lots...). We plan (right now...) to try to adopt a boy (first, we may adopt a girl later), and we aren't particular about the race.
We are really looking forward to being parents someday, even though it will involve lots of changes. Last night we were walking through Target and there was a (white) couple with their (African American) little boy. He was probably about two and just as cute as could be. They were in the kid's clothing department, which I've tried to avoid lately because it makes me depressed. Russell nudged me and said "that will be us in a few years!" with the cutest grin on his face. Made me tear up a little, because being a mom is very important to me. Although it's difficult to realize it won't be our natural child, I'm so thankful we are both 100% on board with adoption, and we slowing heading in that direction.

surgery and treatment...

This week I had surgery to have my port put in, and I had my first two treatments. The surgery went fairly well. Instead of trying to start an IV like usual, they did it under ultra sound to begin with, knowing I'm a difficult stick. Once they got that started, they got me prepped for surgery. I have a 6-8 inch cut on my chest (below my shoulder really), and a 1/2 inch cut on my neck. When I came to, and still now, the one on my neck hurt so much worse than the other, which I think is odd. I guess it's just the location. I went from day surgery to the oncologist office for my first iron treatment. I was given a test dose of iron, and then the regular dose. About 20 minutes after I got home, I had hives all over me, and was wheezing when I was breathing. I took some benadryl, and tried to rest. It didn't do much for the hives, but helped the wheezing. Later that night the wheezing came back, so I took more benadryl. The next morning I called the oncologist, told them what happened (and what was continuing to happen), and they wanted me in immediatley. I went in, they gave me some new medicine (a steroid and benadryl type RX), and sent me on my way. I guess it's helped, a little, but not too much. The area around where the port was placed is still very red, like it's sunburned. Apparently I was pretty allergic to the iron I was given. When I went back on Friday for my treatment, my levels looked worse than they started out at, and my iron was changed. Before they gave me my treatment, they gave me some benadryl and a steroid through my port. So far, the worst side effect I've had from this treatment has been nausea and general blah feeling. I spent a good majority of the day laying on the couch, in and out of sleep. Hopefully the treatments will start working and be worth it all in the end.
In the middle of the week, between all of this, I went to see my neurologist. He extended my disability until April 4th. It's not what I wanted, since I was scheduled to go back March 1st, but it's what he and Russell think is best. We are at the beginning of getting things done, and they don't want to jeopardize that progress. I'm thankful for such a patient husband, persistent doctors, and an ever present God. I'm very blessed.

2011 so far...

I can't believe we are halfway through February and I haven't updated because so much has happened this year. I was scheduled to return to work on January 3rd, but I ended up being admitted to the hospital that day instead. After spending three days in the hospital, and being home until that Friday, I tried to go back on the 10th. I ended up at the doctor that afternoon, and being put back on disability that day. I was referred to two headache specialist that day, but it was February until I could see them.
In the meantime, I had blood work done at my primary doctor, just to see how everything was looking. That blood work came back, and showed I needed I was very anemic, and needed blood infusions. I was given a phone number, and so I called that number, and they answered as an oncologist office. I just about freaked out. When I went in to see the oncologist office the first time, they did more blood work, and when I went in today, the blood work looked worse than it did originally. A few other levels looked bad, so those will need to be watched. Apparently I'll be having blood work weekly, and I'll see the doctor weekly as well. I'll have blood infusions twice a week, and they are doubled up. I should have 12 infusions, instead of 24 since they are doubled. Today should have been the first infusion, but they couldn't find a vein. Originally they were going to do a picc line, but that would have to stay in my arm for about 6-8 weeks, and would be most likely get infected. So, instead, I'll be getting a port put in my chest like people do when they have chemo, so they will always have access to a vein.
Now, on to the headache updates. I have two new doctors looking at my migraines. One is working on the cause of the migraines, and the other is treating the pain mostly. They are both very optimistic, which is great. However, the number of tests, treatments, and doctor appointments I have coming up is astounding. I should be returning to work the first week of March, but my doctors and Russell aren't sure they want that just yet. At this point, nothing has changed. We are getting the ball rolling, but I'm still having migraines almost daily, I'm still very weak and passing out, and overall having trouble daily. So, I'm not sure what will happen with work.
I resigned, effective the end of the year, back in January. I know that me being out is not best for my kids, the district, or myself. This was before I knew about the budget cuts and IISD trying to get rid of teachers. However, knowing all of that, I'm so thankful I made that decision. I've been told if I don't come back by a certain date they will terminate my contract, but then I was told they wouldn't since I resinged and it's the end of the year. Basically, I don't have FMLA, because I was so sick last year as well and didn't work enough to be covered by that. It's stressful. However, we are trusting in God, and he hasn't failed us yet. I know I'll feel better after the blood infusions. I know my new headache doctors will find something that works. I know I'll find a new job that I love as much as teaching. I know we will be ok.

2010 - year in review

January - our Lousiana boys moved back to Lousiana, Jameson turned 2, and Penny was back in the hospital for what we were told was a "small" round of chemo.
February - had my gallbladder removed on the 1st, was told on the 6th that Penny was being put on life support due to pneumonia, gathered as a family on the 7th to speak with doctors about her chances at making it, gathered again as a family on the 10th to remove her from life support and she passed away, record snowfall on the 11-12, no school on the 12th, funeral on the 13. The rest of the month is just a blurr.
March- adjusting to life without Penny, and dealing with blackouts and migraines.
April- Lousiana boys came to visit the Saturday before Easter (just for the day), woke up Easter Sunday with the worst migraine ever. After multiple hospital and doctors visits, we found out it was vascultitis, and could be deadly. I was put on steroids, and stayed home from work most days. My kids prepared for TAKS without me, and I slowly spiraled into a deep depression.
May- MRIs, MRAs, CT scans, spinal taps, and more testing was done. First ride in an ambulance on Cinco De Mayo, after blacking out and not breathing for close to a minute at a time. I returned to work towards the end of May, but my class had been split, so I went to see my kids in other rooms.
June - The school year ended, but not the hospital and doctor visits. At the end of June I had another spinal tap, followed by a blood patch for a spinal headache, and spent my 28th birthday in the hospital. Our oldest nephew turned 8, hard to believe!
July-My birthday "party" at the horse races was ended early, when we left and were admitted into the hospital, just 2 days after my birthday. I spent Fourth Of July weekend at Baylor, and tried to, once again, get the same migraine under control. I felt better on our anniversary, the 9th, so we went back to the races, but they ended early due to the weather. The rest of July was spent resting, gearing up for my return to school.
August - Back to school was on my mind, and we had a few trainings. I got my classroom ready, and had a successful first day back. I loved teaching second grade, but my second day back was not as successful. Blackout in the hallway had me going home in the morning of the second day.
September-Not a good month, at all. Two car accidents in one week, I was placed on disability, and had two hospital stays. However, some new medicine was somewhat effective, so I guess that's positive! :) Maverick had emergency surgery for his bladder blockage, we have some expensive pets!
October- our youngest nephew turns 5, was told my original 4 weeks on disability was now 12 weeks, so I was determined to just be thankful for supportive co-workers, husband, and family. My pancreatitis came back, and that had me back in the hospital as well.
November-first Thanksgiving without Penny, her birthday, and Russell's birthday. Pretty rough month. Did the majority of my Christmas shopping in the middle of the night the moring after Thanksgiving, since I blacked out in Toys R Us at about 1:00 the morning after. My sweet husband turned 29, and I'm so thankful his loving parents raised him so well.
December- was told we couldn't have kids of our own, due to the blackouts, lupus, vascultitis, etc. That was pretty devestating. Returned to work on the 9th, and made it each day until the break, huge success!! Enjoyed lots of time with family and friends during Christmas festivities. Formally asked to be Kennie and Sarah's God-parents, and we were thrilled.

It wasn't an easy year, but I'm blessed I had Russell to hold my hand through the hard times, and laugh with me during the good times. My family never fails me, and we have true friends that are there for us in a heartbeat. And of course, we have a God that is ever present, even in the darkness, so we are never alone. We never went without, we never hit rock bottom, and we always knew the next day brought new beginnings. Hoping 2011 brings healthier days, more laughs, and fewer hopsital visits. :)

November Thankfuls....

This year I'm so very thankful for lots of things. Here are just a few (in no particular order)...

-grandparents that love each other and have been married for 60 plus years. They paid my way through college and left me with no student loan debt. They are truly amazing people.

-a mom that loves me, no matter what, and is always there for me. Although we don't always see eye to eye, I know I can always depend on her.

-my dad - even though he left when I was little, he didn't completely abandon us. I think he does the best he can to show he cares about my brother and me, and I appreciate the effort.

-a job I love, teaching kids I love, around people I love. It doesn't get much better than that!

-a brother I admire, a sister-in-law I wouldn't trade for the world, and two precious nephews that are growing up way too fast. I can't wait to see what the future holds for those two boys, but I kind of wish I could rewind a few years and hold them as babies again!

-in-laws that I love. Russell's brothers are like my own, whether they like it or not. :) I'd do anything in the world for those two, and I pray they find a life partner that makes them happy. I love my father-in-law, and miss my mother-in-law like crazy.

-pets that cost too much, but give us lots of laughs and love!

-reliable transportation and extended car warranties! We've used the extended warranty many times this year, and I've been very thankful to have it.

-medical insurance. With my health, I don't know what we'd do without it.

-my Uncle David. He keeps to himself, but he is an amazing man of God. He's selfless, he adores our family, and he would do anything for anyone. I honestly feel very blessed to have him as MY uncle, and I hope someday we can give him a great niece or nephew.

-Kennie and Sarah. What would I do without these 2? I think we need them as much as they need us. They really are like family to us, and we just love watching them grow up and mature each day.

-my boys back in Louisiana. I miss them tons, and I can't wait to see them again sometime (hopefully soon!).

-my God-son, Jameson. He's such a sweetheart, and so funny. I don't see him nearly as often as I'd like since I've been off work, but I think about him all the time. Love this kid, so much!

-my best friend, Kasey. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her. Growing up together, experiencing life together, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I wouldn't pick a different person as a best friend. We don't always agree, but we always support each other. I'm lucky enough to have her teach two doors down from me, how lucky can one girl get? People think we are twins or sisters, and some days it's as if we share a brain. She makes my bad days good, and my good days great. I don't know what I would ever do without her. If she were to move half a world away, I'd be so lost. She's life my other half.

-my other best friend, Russell. I couldn't have picked a better husband. Found my diary the other day, and I've been signing my name "Blaire Reagan" since 1994, when I was 12. We really didn't get along through middle school and high school, and really not in the early years of college either. There were some really bad days, but God had a plan, and God stuck to His plan for us. I'm so thankful we finally gave it over to Him, we stopped being stubborn, and let things work out the way He wanted. Russell puts up with every bit of me. The sickness, the grouchy, the mood swings because of medicine, the missed days at work, the doctor appointments, the lost appetite, the gained weight, the depressed mood, the need to get out of the house, the tears for no reason, he puts up with it all. He cooks, he cleans, he does the laundry, takes out the trash, walks the dog, does the litter box, feeds the pets, takes care of the cars, and of course, takes care of me. I don't know why he does it, but I'm sure glad he does. :)

-all knowing and ever present God. 2010 hasn't been friendly, but God hasn't failed us. He's taken care of us, even when I haven't been able to work. When Penny died and I thought our world was caving in. When they can't pin point what's wrong with me, but they know I need to stay in the hospital and repeat the same tests I've had over and over again. God is always there. We hear it in songs. We see it in unexpected checks. We see it in cards or emails. We see it in snow, on the night Penny passed away. God is always there. He will still be here. Even when my world feels like it's going to slowly crumble, God isn't going anywhere.

I'm thankful for LOTS of other things, but these are the only ones I can think of right now...