lately...

We had a great Easter Sunday. Unfortunately, I was sick on Friday and Saturday, and missed seeing my family on Saturday. We went to church with Kennie and Sarah on Sunday, and really enjoyed it. We have been going to a new church lately, and I think we are actually going to a meeting this week about a group they have there, more on that another day. It's a very exciting thing, but I don't want to share too much yet. :)
Went to the doctor last week. I was running a fever, and I needed a new inhaler and something for back pain. She gave me meds for what was causing fever, and everything else I needed. We discussed my 5k and training. I told her that my weight loss was stand still, so we discussed some ideas. She suggested I not weigh in each week, for sure not each day. That's not easy to do. We decided that I couldn't do it with diet alone (unlike what some people will tell you with WW). I've taken a no excuses approach to my training for the 5k. I went on Sunday, even though I would typically use the whole "day of rest" excuse (lame, I know). Monday, I had my treatment, and got sick 2 times afterwards, but we still went and made the walk (1.25 miles, with hills, killer for me and the dog). We went again today. Russell says it will get easier. I'm not sure when that happens. I do find myself enjoying moments (small moments, but moments). Going uphill, however, is not enjoyable. The first day we went, Maggie was dragging half way through. At one point we stopped to help a lady with directions, and Maggie sprawled out in the grass. By today, she was actually still trotting up until the last quarter mile. Yesterday I left my inhaler at home, and failed to use it prior to our walk. I wanted to quit, send Russell home to get the car, and be done because I was having trouble breathing. Instead, I finished, and was so proud when I was done. I have plans for tomorrow night, so I plan to wake up in the morning and walk on the elliptical. By the time May 22nd gets here (the day of the 5k), I'll be good to go. I think the area we are walking that day is flat, and I'm walking hills here at home, so I should be ok that day.
This week we have TAKS testing at school, so I've been helping with that and have been out of my room. I miss my kids, but hallway monitoring hasn't been too bad. My bestie is leaving on Friday for Italy with her hubby to find a house, and then they come back, only to move there in June. I will miss her so much. So many changes coming so soon. Moving, changing jobs, best friend moving, changing churches, starting the adoption process (possibly...). God has big plans!

should be worried.

We have lots of changes coming up, and I should be worried, but I'm not. -I've resigned from my teaching position effective the end of the school year, and I have no clue what I'm doing after that. Not teaching means I have to clean out my classroom and get a new job. I should be worried, but I'm not. -We are moving out of our house and into our best friend's house when they move to Italy in June. They will be gone for 2 years, so we are going to move into their house and selling our condo. I should be packing, tossing our junk, and worrying about selling this place, but I'm not. -I'm doing a 5K on May 22nd, and there is no way I could do a 5K today, so I should be worried, but I'm not. -My migraine treatment (the one I did in the hospital and now do at home) has become ineffective. It's just not working like it did at first. Also, my blood work isn't where it should be. I should be worried, but I'm not. I have no idea when I stopped worrying about things, but I have. God has completely taken my worries away, and it's a great feeling. I know that not teaching next year is the right decision, and that is affirmed in my heart each and every day. However, I do hope to volunteer at the school with Irving Bible Church, so I'm not leaving completely. Not having a job isn't worrying me, because I know God will provide something I am able to do, and that makes me happy. Luckily, I'll be paid through August, so that gives me some time to find something. With selling our condo, I feel bad that I'm not worried, like something is wrong with me. Maybe when we are in the middle of the process I'll feel different. Knowing we have a place to live during this time makes it easier. Today, I went to walk the track for my 5K training. I planned to walk 1/2 a mile (2 times around). After the second lap, my back was in intense pain, but I felt like I had plenty of energy to go a third lap, so we did. After the third, I really wanted to do a fourth, but my back just wouldn't let me. We plan to go each weekend to increase my distance between now and the 5K at the end of May. We may even go back tomorrow to do 4 laps. :) I felt great (mentally and emotionally) when I was done. As far as the migraines and blood work, I know the migraines will decrease after the school year. That may sound terrible, but it's just the truth. Unfortunatley, the migraines were pretty bad this week, the medicine wasn't working, so I was out Monday and Tuesday. I'm so thankful my sub is still there everyday. Once the year is over, I look forward to seeing how the migraines change. I'll end with this, a picture of Kennie and Sarah after their city championship games. Both of their teams won (Kennie's game was a blowout, Sarah won by 1 point!), and they were both MVP's of their game. We couldn't be prouder of these two. Little kids went up to both of them after their games wanting their autographs. : ) And the best part, they are just as good students are they are athletes.

5K

I've decided to do a 5K on May 22nd with my best friend's mom. It's a weight watcher's 5K, and I'm really excited. I just called a family member to tell them about it, and they laughed at me. Yep, nice family support there. Not sure I want them at the finish line cheering me on any longer. I'll be training until the day of, and then I'll go and do the best I can. I ordered a personalized shirt, with my inspiraton on the back. It says "To play chase with my future children". I wish I would have waited a few minutes longer until after the phone call. I would have made it say "To prove my ____ wrong!" Yep, I'm mad.

exhausted

Today was my first day back since January, and I only went one day in January. The day went really well with my kids, and I am so thankful I still have my long term sub. She is doing most of the teaching, and I'm pulling small groups. This way if I miss due to having a bad day or needing to go to the doctor, they will get the instruction from her they are used to. After school I had another treatment, which always wipes me out. This time was even worse than usual, because they doubled the benadryl they normally give me, so the drive home was tricky. I'm home now, tired from the day, and even more exhausted from my treatment. I did my weigh in this morning, and gained. :( I shouldn't be too upset about it, since I did pretty much what I wanted Thursday-Sunday of last week, including ElChico's, Cheesecake Factory, Starbucks, and other junk. I'm back on track this week, and looking forward to losing what I've already regained. I could be really bummed about it, but I'm trying to just get over it so I can move on. Hoping for a good week at school, and a good week staying on point with weight watchers.

back on weight watchers - week 1

So, last Monday, the 21st, I weighed myself, entered it into weight watchers (very disappointed with myself at the gain since the beginning of the year), and decided I was done gaining. It doesn't matter how many medications and steroids doctors give me, I can make some changes, so I did. When I got back on the scale this past Monday (the 28th), I lost 8.8 pounds, in one week! I was simply amazed. I didn't make excellent choices all week, but I did make much better choices. I was worried though, because Friday night I went with some friends to Winstar and had Starbucks on the way, and ate at Toby Keith's Bar and Grill while we were there. I ordered without really thinking (it was 11:00 at night, I was hungry), and had a cheeseburger, with fries. Even with all of that (and I'm sure other unhealthy decisions), I still lost. I didn't even workout, not once. In fact, I got on the weight watchers message board the Monday I decided to start over, worried about not being able to work out due to the blackouts. I was encouraged by so many others that said they lost weight simply by sticking to their points, and then were able to workout once they were in better shape. I've worked out in the past, and I'm hoping I can again soon when my blood counts are higher. Today, I did a 10 minute kickboxing session, which is so incredibly short, but I stopped before I blacked out. Tomorrow, I plan to do atleast 10-15 minutes on the elliptical. I'm encouraged by the loss, and this week has been pretty good as well. I'm trying to stay off the scale until Monday morning, but I'm positive it will show a loss as well. I start back to work on Monday, against a few of my doctor's suggestions. They didn't tell me I couldn't go back to work, but they did tell me they were concerned about it. I had a 4 hour doctor's appointment on Monday, and they were testing my memory and comprehension. I did ok on the comprehension, but not too fabulous on the memory tests. With the memory tests not being too great, and me being unable to track conversations when over stimulated, the doctor is concerned with me returning. However, I really want to go back, finish out the year with my kids, and then move on to something different. Luckily, the sub my kids have had is going to stay with me, lesson plan, and help grade papers. I am so blessed to have her stay! She will be there incase something happens to me, if I need to go to the doctor, and so I don't get overwhelmed in general. This is such a blessing for me, and I know it will make going back so much easier. I know some people won't understand why I will have extra help in my room, but after the number of blackouts, falls, migraines, and concussions I've had, it's nice to have some help. Tonight, Russell and I started talking about possibly taking a cruise sometime in August or September. We haven't been anywhere since 2006, and it gives me something to work towards. :) He isn't 100% sold on the cruise idea, after the cruise that had the rescued recently, but I think I almost have him convinced. If he had his way, we would go to Ixtapa, Mexico, where he went with his family while he was in high school. Unfortunatley, those all inclusives are about twice the price of a cruise, so I think a cruise it is. We will see. I'm hoping we can get away soon. Of course, our best friends are moving to Italy, so we will (or I will) be making that trip within the next two years hopefully. So, that's all for now. I'm 8.8 pounds down, and hopefully by Monday I can add to that number. :)

getting real - weight issues

I believe I've been overweight my entire life, but I was very comfortable in my own skin in high school. I honestly don't recall being bullied or anything, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Apparently prior to my blackouts my favorite breakfast food was sausage rolls and now I can't stand them, so there is no telling what I don't remember. However, I do recall being "ok" with were I was in high school. When I went off to college I gained some weight. It was a combination of getting depressed, not making healthy food choices, and sitting in my dorm room when I wasn't in class. My second year of college, I ate green beans out of the can instead of going to the cafeteria for dinner, but I think I also made many trips to the donut shop for breakfast, so I'm not sure what happened with my weight that year. During my third year away at school I took some medication for my endometriosis, and the doctor warned me I would gain weight, my bones would become brittle, but I thought it was worth the risk. Gain weight I mostly certainly did. The medication (at the time) was only FDA approved to be taken 6 months of your life, and I took it for 6 months. During that time, I gained over 40 pounds. A month after being taken off of the medication, I fell down a flight of stairs, and broke my leg, foot, and ankle (guess my bones did become rather brittle). I ended up having surgery, and being stuck in bed or in a chair for 3 months, and just gained more weight. In a matter of a few years (since leaving high school), I had gained about 75 pounds. UNREAL. But, sadly, it didn't stop there. After my mom got sick with cancer, I moved home, and Russell and I got engaged. I bought a wedding dress that was too small, and was determined to fit into it by the wedding. By the next summer (the time of our wedding), the dress was a little too big. I was so glad I made some progress, in the right direction. To be honest, I'm not sure what I did to make that happen. I was sick during that spring, couldn't keep food down, maybe that's how I lost some weight? After getting married, I got comfortable, we enjoyed eating out, and we both gained weight. Since that time, I've been joined and cancelled at Weight Watchers and Curves. When I stick with them, I'm successful. Last January (2010) I was determined to lose weight and get healthy, and I was doing well. I had lost 20 pounds, and then I got sick again. This time they put me on steroids, and I gained 30 pounds, 10 more than I had lost. M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E. At the beginning of this year I rejoined both Curves and Weight Watchers, was ready to do well, and BAM!, more steroids, and I've gained MORE weight. Really? I've also been told I will not be able to lose weight unless I take this magic medication for my PCOS. When I take it, I do lose weight, but it makes me miserably ill.
So, here I am, weighing more than I ever have, and more frustrated than I've ever been. I black out when I try to work out. It doesn't matter if I eat, don't eat, eat half of what I've been eating, I still gain weight. I'm on steroids each time I have a blood infusion, and each time they give me the steroids, they give me more and more. I've planned out all my meals for this week, I'm staying on my points, and I'm hoping this works for this week. I need some progress in the right direction.
Slowly, but surely, someday I'll conquer this, I hope.

spring break vacation

I'll be spending spring break in a hospital in Dallas, fun times. My brother told me to enjoy my vacation, I'm sure I will. The plan is I'll be taken off all my meds and started on new ones, it will be an interesting week. I'm glad they are doing this while I'm admitted though, since it does involve being taken off seizure medication. The treatment I'm having says I should be headache free by the end of the week. Headache free? I'm not sure how that feels! :)
I look forward to feeling better, much better. This is not what I wanted for my life, if I'm being honest. I want to be the kind of wife that can cook and clean, not so dependent upon Russell. My deepest desire is to be a mom, which is getting more complicated. With each new issue uncovered by doctors, it's becoming clearer that we won't have our own children. Luckily, we have had the desire to adopt for a long time. Sadly, adoption is very expensive, and so are medical bills. The thought of not being able to adopt because of the cost, makes me really sad. We are just keeping faith that it will all work out. Our plan is to start the process of adoption when I turn 30, which is the summer of 2012. In the next year, we will be moving into our best friend's house (they are moving to Italy for two years), sell our condo, I'll be getting a new job, hopefully feeling better, and lose some weight (or lots...). We plan (right now...) to try to adopt a boy (first, we may adopt a girl later), and we aren't particular about the race.
We are really looking forward to being parents someday, even though it will involve lots of changes. Last night we were walking through Target and there was a (white) couple with their (African American) little boy. He was probably about two and just as cute as could be. They were in the kid's clothing department, which I've tried to avoid lately because it makes me depressed. Russell nudged me and said "that will be us in a few years!" with the cutest grin on his face. Made me tear up a little, because being a mom is very important to me. Although it's difficult to realize it won't be our natural child, I'm so thankful we are both 100% on board with adoption, and we slowing heading in that direction.